Cephiros, The One Winged Angel

Hopefully I get approved with my 4 10’s work week with Fridays off. If so, I’m going to visit my family the weekend of August 15th, and I have a therapy session on August 22nd a week later.

I am working on my insecurities so I can trust more easily and fully. I’ve been feeling more depressed lately as well. Hopefully that can be worked on as well. I miss Chandelle so much.

I mean, she is still here in the apartment but everything has changed. I love her so very much. I do want be with her again, I don’t want to be without her.

Truthfully, it has been really hard, because she does not show me what she is feeling at the moment. I know she doesn’t show them to me because she doesn’t want to make me even more depressed. I’m really confused and lost as she is.

This is so rough, but I will keep on fighting, for the future.

Last week, there was a major change in my life. The woman I loved, whom I’ve dated for 8 months, we stopped dating, now in some sort of relationship limbo. From that day forward, a piece of me died inside. Stricken with emptiness, terribly lonely, and completely lost.

It hasn’t been easy, and I know it hasn’t been easy for her as well. I’m sure it has been equally tough for the both of us. I know we love each very, very much but I understand with my broken self, she cannot be with right now. How could you be with a person who did not trust you 100%?

You couldn’t, and whomever would want you to is selfish. I’d do anything for her, anything to be with her again. I want her to be happy. I will focus on myself, I will get her back. She will be happy, and she is absolutely worth fighting for.

I want that little piece in me to thrive again, life again, be happy, someday in the future, hopefully earlier rather than later.

I will pray, hope and succeed.

Well, as you can see from my previous posts of this week, this has been a pretty rotten week. I can fully realize that most of it was of my own doing. I feel really bad about it but I am trying not to dwell on it.  At least at work I was able to get all of my week’s work done.

Tonight, Chandelle and I went to the movies, The Dark Knight, it was a great movie. However, I am sadden, she seems really tired, depressed, and stressed. It pains me to know that I am cause of it, at least partly. I just feel this tension between us since that big fight on Wednesday.

I do love her, but I wonder if she would be happier if I wasn’t in her life. No, that doesn’t mean I want to break up with her, she is a big part of my life I would not want to give up.

Least writing in my blog is helping. Anyways, not going to Hellboy 2, going to probably go to that another night. Everyone take care.

So, I haven’t lost everything I’ve cared for, but it is on thin ice still I believe. I cannot fuck this time or it is over for real. I am trying to not be too overbearing and controlling. I am not going to snoop anymore. I’m going to try and not worry about whether or not our relationship is real and that she truly loves me. I know she does, in my heart, but the brain needs to wake up for change.

I haven’t gotten any emails since the fight. I wonder if it’s because of Gmail fucking up or she is just not sending them. I wonder if this is a test to see if I will go ape shit if I don’t the email, thus “knocking” my routine. I don’t exactly know but I won’t let that get to me. I mean, Gmail is pretty hit and miss when used on her cell phone. I’ve received stuff hours and days later before.

Anyways, that just some simple musings before the end of my lunch. Take care all.

I really don’t know exactly why I do it. I let jealously take over me from time to time. By doing so it hurts the one I care for the most. I’m close to losing everything that matters to me. I keep on pushing away, my girlfriend Chandelle, afraid that she will do something awful to hurt me. She won’t, never have and never will but my over active imagination spurned my insecurities thinks of the worse.

A disagreement started on Sunday night has spiraled into something much worst today. A breakup is a looming shadow. I don’t want it to happen, I love her so much. I hate to cause her so much pain. I know I have insecurites and I know she cannot fix them. It is not her job to fix them. We’re on very thin ice. I couldn’t blame her she didn’t want to stay.

Really, I don’t know what to say on this matter.  I need to change, I want to change, so I don’t hurt the one I love any longer.

A. Roberts

While trying to setup a blog related application on my facebook and I find out my RSS feed is not working. So, I got to my site and I discover I am getting a 500 internal error. This is strange since I had not work on my blog for quite awhile and made no changes recently. So, backed up all my plugins, themes, images, and SQL database. Deleted the current installation. I was having some troubles after reinstalling but the issues are resolved now.

Became a writer over at Platform Nation and I posted my first review for Ticket to Ride. I am glad that I am given this chance to become better known in the gaming community and sharpen my writing skills. Check the site out. Lots of great people and many podcasts that are fun to listen to.

Looking foward to tomorrow being over with at work so my weekend can start. I will of course attempt to write here more now that I am car pooling to and from work. Remember, stay cool.

Last night I decided to upgrade to Firefox 3. I mean it is just a browser even if they say it’s a vast improvement over Firefox 2. However, when I upgraded I noticed it was taking bookmarks that were much older than my current ones. I finally discovered the reason for this was because I once installed a pre-release of Firefox 3.

After what seemed like hours upon hours. I finally resolved the issue.

Anyways, small update. Least I posted!
A

Today was a contrast of highs and lows. Even though I had very little sleep; I went to Circuit City because of a sale on 1600 Microsoft Point cards at $15! That’s a savings of twenty-five percent per card. I cleared out the whole stock at the Gateway Circuit City. $120 dollars worth of points for $90… Score! So far I haven’t spent any since I don’t want to go wild with my spending. I might pick one or two more but we’ll see.

On my way back to the MAX, I need to get some change for laundry since I wasn’t able to get any quarters on Friday or Saturday. It was a big pain in the ass. Two dollars from the Fred Meyer’s customer service counter. The rest I already had or got from putting dollars bills in a soda and pushing in the change return button.

Laundry was started relatively late in the day since the laundry rooms get quite busy on Sundays. However, the dryers were a little difficult in finding an empty one until around 3pm. Everything was completely finished near 5pm; I went down to the laundry room to get my clothes and I returned to my front door. Bah, I didn’t bring my keys and I accidently locked my door. FUCK! FUCKETY FUCK! Ok, breath in, breath out. I was able to get back in thanks to my girl, Chandelle but after nearly two hours outside.

I think I found a domain name for my new video game blog. I also think I found the perfect Wordpress theme as well. After I flesh out my budget a little then I will register the new domain names and start the new site construction.

That’s all folks!

Ok, This is my second attempt of making this blog post. So, I was hanging out with my friend Bob last week and we were playing some Rockband 7 card stud low7 card stud handsonline poker softwareonline poker bonuspoker videofree texas holdem poker download,free holdem line poker texas,free texas holdem pokergambling pokerfree online poker gamefree poker game downloadfree on line pokeramerican black card credit expressvisa credit card application formus bank credit cardno credit card application,no credit credit card applicationconsolidating credit card debtconsolidate credit card billcard credit machine processingach and credit card processingcredit card debt consolidation oregonbank secured credit card,well fargo bank secured credit cardfree prepaid credit cardbad card creditchase credit card servicescard credit online processing software,card credit free processing software,credit card processing softwareguaranteed acceptance credit card ukcard credit login mbnaapply business card credit onlinebank card credit orchard paymentcalculator card consolidation credit lo,credit card consolidation calculator,calculator card consolidation credit loa ?credit card processing service,card credit merchant processing service,card credit processing servicecredit card processing terminalvalid credit card numbers,discover credit card phone number,credit card numberscard credit debt reducingpremier bank credit cardcard consolidation credit debt reductionno annual fee credit card,annual card credit fee no secured,annual card credit fee no rewardcard credit machine processing,credit card processing machinecard cheap credit ukcheaper credit card ukcard credit debt negotiationcard credit mart wal,pay on wal mart credit card,wal mart credit card onlineunsecured credit card debt consolidation,card consolidation credit debt unsecurednational city bank credit card,bank card city credit national securedapplication canadian card credit visaprovidian credit card application,application card credit providianhsbc credit card account,hsbc credit card india,card credit hsbccard credit debt elimination informationshell gas credit cardcredit card free balance transferlow fixed interest credit card and other video games and such. He told me almost every Friday he and a bunch of his friend go out to Karaoke.

So, I was thinking least once, maybe twice a month.. have a Rockband Friday. Have some beer, some pizza and play some Rockband. Someone on drums, bass, lead, and mic. I have almost all of the downloaded content. We get to play on my 42″ LCD HDTV. I will have a real excuse to clean up *EVERYTHING*.

I was thinking of hosting the first Rockband Friday on March 14th, 2008. Let me know what you think of this? You can email me at cephiros.matsuri@gmail.com

So, I know I haven’t updated any of blogs for quite a long time. I mean I always thought about updating

it earlier but never got around to it. Things have changed her a bit. I’ve been taking a break from my exercising/diet for a bit as a sort of gift to myself for doing so well. Tomorrow, 10/24/07 is when I will resume it

I’ve been dating a wonderful girl named Chandelle. I really care about her. We’ve been dating for a week and everything has been good. Yes, I did meet her from craigslist so it’s not a totally worthless website. Some positive things, although rare do happen from time to time. Mwah to you, hon!

I’ve been out sick for the past 2 days. I have some sort of eye infection that hurts. I went to the doctor today and I got some eye drops. However, not happy that I spend 120 dollars and out of work for 2 days. I hope I still keep my job cause I was truly ill. I have a doctor’s note just in case.

Not much has changed except dating my wonderful girlfriend.